A four-year-old toddled into the kitchen. 

“Are you here to work?” My manager barked at him.

Vacation pay

I am never going on vacation again. Next time, I’m taking my vacation pay and not going on vacation.

Onion saleswoman

My friend called me an “onion saleswoman.”

Donkey

The cook said, “I used to work with these Arabic ladies, they called me a donkey in Arabic. They said it meant I was strong!”

The other cook looked at him. “I’m Arabic,” she said, “and when someone calls you donkey in Arabic, it means you’re dumb as fuck!”

86 plates

In the business, when product runs out, it’s called “86.”

The dishwasher dropped a stack of plates on the floor and they all shattered.

“86 plates!” I yelled out.

Overheard at work:

“I can’t take this anymore. I’m going to dry storage.”

Tim Horton’s

My friend went to Tim Horton’s and asked for mustard on his sandwich. “The closest thing we have to mustard is nothing!” The worker told him.

School party

I served 21 8-year-olds today. They were truly little darlings but as I was putting their apple and orange juices on the table, one of them said, “I ordered a beer!”

Extreme camping

I got into work at 7 am, when I realized 55, a young man, was asleep in his booth. “55’s passed out?” I asked the server in that section. 

“Yeah, he wakes up occasionally to check his phone,” she said nonchalantly. It didn’t phase her one bit. I felt like this was taking camping to a new extreme. 

Angry cook

I saw the overnight cook’s name on the schedule. It was my old boss. I suspected it was, at least. So I asked my coworker, “is the overnight cook an old white man?”

“Yes,” she said.

“Is he angry?” 

“Yes,” she said.

“Oh my god, it’s my old boss,” I said. 

No mod Monday

The kitchen told me it was “no mod Monday” today. I said, “yeah, sure, like one bill Sunday.”

This guy in the kitchen went on vacation and never came back. 

Overheard at work:

The cook said to a server, “It’s Black History Month, what did you get me?”

Wine bottle

Yesterday, a server was trying to uncork a wine bottle. Another server was trying to help her. A third server swooped in to help. “Hey! How many servers does it take to uncork a wine bottle, eh guys?” I joked. They didn’t think it was funny. 

Dedication

A fellow support carved her name into a tray. This is what I call dedication. 

Never trust an old lady

I dressed up as a cop for Halloween this year. I had a water gun in a pistol holder and this old lady yelled at me, “come here,” and when I came towards her she insisted I get closer. “I have something to tell you,” she said. 

I got even closer. She grabbed my gun, turned it on me, and said, “never trust an old lady!”

Kids

“Kids these days,” the cook said despairingly. So I looked at my coworker, I rolled my eyes and said, “adults these days.” 

Most annoying order of the day award

No powdered sugar, sub this, sub that, hot water and lemon. Delayed pancakes. Well done pancakes. Double-toasted, dry toast. 

Civilians don’t know I have to manually type every modification in. 

Halloween

4 years ago I was working for a boss whom I did not like and who did not like me. On Halloween, I said to him, “I see you dressed up as an evil boss today.” He did not like that one. He sent me home early. 

Reasons to buy a muffin:

The other day when I tried to upsell a muffin, the lady said, “why?”

I said, “for a treat for later, give it as a gift to someone, because they’re delicious.”

I felt like I was playing $100,000 Pyramid.

Picky McChoosers

I call people who choose where they want to sit “picky McChoosers” now.

Dish island getaway

The last dishwasher we had didn’t like to get wet. He even put up a sign that said “do not splash the dishwasher.” It’s a dish pit, not a dish island getaway. 

“People in restaurants do crazy things,” my friend said.

“Yeah,” I said, “like work there!”

Locked in the shed

I got into work and a cook asked me if I locked the garbage shed when I left work the other day. I said no, which was the truth, I didn’t think I locked it. Turns out, a coworker got locked in the shed yesterday and didn’t come back to work for an hour. After thinking about it, I think I did lock the shed. Oops!

Talking shit

I was in the middle of fetching three coffees and three waters for a table when a support staff came up to me and said, “your table wants…” I cut them off.

I said, “three coffees and three waters? Yeah, I know. They’re just gonna have to wait, aren’t they?”

“Aww,” my manager said, “she’s talking shit about her tables. You’re all grown up!”

What do you call someone who orders water at the restaurant?

Broke.

Mind-blowing entitlement

There was a baby. A horrific baby. It was throwing food on the ground. It wasn’t even eating anything. It was just throwing chunks of eggs on the ground.

My boss, god bless her, went to the table with a broom and just started sweeping as they were eating and their baby was destroying the place.

Please tip accordingly.

Messy and cheap, my favourite combination.

Playing with food

One of our cooks has a puffy afro. He put an egg on his head and called it a nest.

What customers say when they can’t figure out the debit machine:

Let me guess: "every debit machine is different"?

No. They're all the same.

Open menu count

“How many open menus?” The cook asks.

“Nine,” my boss reports.

“In German or in English?” The cook says.

“English!”

“Fuck!” The cooks say.

Support staff

I gave myself a promotion today. There is no such role as ‘lead support’, but there is now because I have filled the position. 

Milkshake

Someone looked me dead in the eye and told me their milkshake was too creamy.

At this point, I don’t even know. 

Swine

Two Muslim people came into our diner yesterday, ordered burgers with “no swine” on them.

Neck tattoo

An old man asked what my neck tattoo said. 

“Heist,” I told him.

“So you’re a thief!” He replied.

I didn’t say anything. I looked at him. He looked at me. He backed away slowly and left.

Poor leadership

My coworker blamed “poor leadership” for me accidentally seating his section after it had closed.

86 my sanity

I’m hustling muffins again. A lady asked me if I make commission on the muffins. “Yes,” I said.

Campers

Don't you have anything better to do with your day?

Terry Fox

I broke my foot but I work, limping. So my coworker started calling me Terry Fox. 

Debit

A customer was fumbling with the debit machine. 

“I remember my first debit machine,” his friend said.

On people who don’t tip:

How cheap can one be? It’s a service that was provided to you and you tip people who provide services to you, do you not know how it works?

Frisked at work

I scooped some change off a table to give to the server in that section and he said, “thanks, where’s the rest of it?” And frisked me!

Apple pie

My coworker broke into song in the kitchen yesterday, singing, “would you like an apple pie with that?” Which I immediately recognized and we both sung out the next part together, “ding, fries are done! Ding, fries are done!”

Civilized tables

Civilized tables finish their beverages, eat all their food, don’t make a mess and tip well. 

Vs. The uncouth, who let their children put their sticky hands all over my clean display case.

Water

There’s a special place in hell for those who order water and don’t drink any of it.

Nate’s Deli

Today some anti-abortionists were protesting on St. Patrick and it reminded me of a time when I was working at Nate’s Deli. 

I was on my way to work when I spotted an anti-abortionist protesting so I stole some of their signs that were unattended. They chased me. I get to Nate’s, go through the back door, and see a bunch of cops at the front door.

I told all my coworkers, “they’re here for me!” 

Turns out they were there to eat breakfast.

Funny customer

I’m a hostess now. 

“For four?” I asked the guy at the door. 

He said, “Yeah. Or for three. I could leave.”

Overheard at work:

“Time sure flies when you’re having a horrible time.”

Someone demanded they get their app for free because there was a fly in the restaurant. Now I’ve heard it all.

The amount of people who can’t seamlessly use a debit machine concerns me.

Frontline workers

Right when you think you’re going to lose it, someone comes to cover your break.

You thank with your money not your words.

New job

I asked a customer how their day was. They said, “couldn’t be any worse,” so I stopped asking customers how their day was.

We got an iced cappuccino machine. A customer called it a “bootleg ice cap”. My boss didn’t like that one.

I said “wallahi” to my boss today and he said, “don’t ‘wallahi’ me!”

I said “what’s up dog?” To a customer and I got in trouble.

Pro tip: the bag I’m putting your muffin into will double as something you can huff into later at your desk.

When two customers approach my till arguing over who will pay the tab, I hold up the debit machine and say: “fight to the death!”

Overheard at work:

She calls mopping wet sweeping.

Sticky Pudding Toffee Cake Girl

Every week at approximately after lunchtime, the Sticky Pudding Toffee Cake Girl appears at my cash, asking for a bag. She fills this bag with Sticky Pudding Toffee Cake. She spends sometimes $30 on this stuff. Another customer once asked what it was. I told her. I said it was good. What does it taste like, she asked. I didn’t know. But I knew it must be good.

To anyone I’ve ever sold a muffin to:

I just picture you at your desk, crying, eating your muffin.

Overheard at work:

“You’re cut,”

“Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Spinach

One time I worked at a place where we had this huge, industrial-sized fan at the front door during the summer. For reasons unbeknownst to me, this lady Pat from a pub next door walks through our doors with a plate of spinach.

Peter goes, "Watch, the spinach is going to fly all over the place when she walks by that fan,"

And it did and Pat was shocked and Peter and I died laughing.

Fighting with coworkers in front of customers

Sarah and I got into a fight at the door, both standing there with menus in our arms, arguing over which section to seat a party in.
"This way," she said.
"No, this way," I said.
"No, this way,"
"No, this way!"
I gave up. But yeah.

Broadway: Innes & Cyrville

I used to work at a bar. This lady who had a baby strapped to her back was drinking til last call and at like 2am, the cops ended up coming to break up a fight or something and she asked me to smuggle her out the kitchen. I did. I work for the people.

Dunn's:

We have walls that roll up so it's like open on the sidewalk basically but there are also huge barriers like this tall, half-wall thing. These kids younger than me got 1 poutine to share and didn't tip me and then camped in my booth so I was pissed but then this robber guy with a shaved head runs up, reaches over the gates and jacks the kid's backpack.
The kid cried out, "my backpack!" and this other kid, not my table, jumps up and chases the thief down the street but comes back later, empty-handed. That's what you get when you don't tip. I laughed.

17 hour shift

On Nuit Blanche:

"IF YOU WANT WATER, GO TO THE WATER STORE!" exclaims my bartender Thomas.

People who hide their PIN

You do realize that I would have to attack you on the street to steal your debit card in order to rob you in knowing your PIN, right? I would have to leave work at the moment you leave, chase you down in broad daylight, attack you and go through your stuff to find your debit card.

And I thought I was paranoid.

Overheard at work:

"Every day a gazelle has to outrun the fastest lion just to stay alive."

People who choose where they want to sit

What is this, a fucking cafeteria? I'm sorry, I didn't realize your experience was going to be different based on whether you get to sit at the table you chose or not.
To be honest, I can kind of see your point. If I'm paying 20$ for a club sandwich, I'd want the window seat, too, but really we need a sign that says "Wait To Be Seated".

You can pour bleach on almost anything. But you can't pour bleach on a lie to yourself.

"Customer Education"

Ten percenters

Hot water and lemon drinkers 

They say "bill" when they mean "bills"

They don't know what they want even though I asked if I could take their order and they said yes 1 second ago

"May I refresh your beverage?"

In my ten years of serving, I've never had someone insist that I take his order a certain way. This is the incident that inspired this blog.

So this older man with his friend, you know, probably not trying to be a douche, insists that I take his order by saying "may I refresh your beverage?" and when I completely forget and ask in my own words, he gives me a look, and in a jovial manner, insists I say his line.

He tells me, I kid you not, something about his dead mother and how she always said that. What I really wanted to say was: "which line should I jump in front of: Bloor-Danforth or Yonge-University?" But instead I just said, "may I refresh your beverage?"

So welcome to Bleach Queen.