Funny hostess

The hostess did an impression of the customers today.

“Can we get a booth? Can we get a booth?” 

I died.

Request for new server

I approach table 25. I ask if I can bring them orange juice, coffee, something to drink. A kid in seat 2, around my age, immediately says, "I would like a new server."

I was taken aback. I thought I looked good that day. I had done my make-up. I wanted to say, "I'd like a new customer but you can't always get what you want,"

Instead we just got him a new server.

"Scrambled medium"

My number one pet peeve of waitressing is not getting the eggs right. Sometimes, there's a miscommunication.

For example, I served a woman sitting alone at table 40. I repeated "over-medium" eggs to her like, 3 separate times, but when I served her breakfast, she said, "There must have been a miscommunication. I wanted scrambled medium eggs,"

First of all, scrambled medium is not an egg modification. I got her two scrambled eggs, but the exchange upset me. I like my customers to eat and be merry, not have the wrong style eggs.

Recycling

This woman refused to put her receipt in the garbage and demanded a paper recycling. Lady, you're in a diner, not a recycling plant.

Pepper grinder

I had to apologize to someone twice because we didn't have freshly ground black pepper. Seat 1, 55, said, "It's what basic restaurants have," to me, and I was gonna be like, "I guess we're not a basic restaurant then," but instead I just apologized again.

Cooks making fun of customers

Sometimes I overhear our cooks making fun of customers. Here’s a skit they do:

Two 80-year-old women are deciding upon breakfast.

"Mildred, wanna go out for breakfast?"

"Okay, Betty, but I can't eat a whole breakfast by myself,"

"Maybe we can split a breakfast?"

"It's awfully expensive..."

"No, no, they have a 55 breakfast for $10 and we can split it! Do you think you can eat half a fucking egg?"

"I turned 55 in 1983 so I think I qualify!"

"Okay, let's go!"

"Maybe we can get half a scrambled egg and half a sunny side up egg."

At the table:

"We will take half pancakes and half toast,"

The missing toast incident

Seat 1 at 83 orders toast, takes his toast off the plate and then calls me over to ask me where his toast is. I just stare at the toast. He realizes fast enough and I leave the table. It slays me, though.

Beauty and The Beast

We were standing in the kitchen and the cook goes to a server, “Hey, wanna play Beauty and The Beast? I’m Beauty!” He screamed without missing a beat.

Freshly squeezed

You'd be surprised how many times I hear, "Is your orange juice freshly squeezed?"

Next time, I'm going to say: "Yes. Jason squeezes it in the morning."

Adventures in upselling gravy

“Would you like to add a gravy on the side for your fry?” I typically add at the end of any French fry sale.

“How much for the gravy?” An old man asked me.

“$1.99, sir,” I said.

“I can’t afford that!” He replied, laughing loudly.

“Sir, nothing about that is funny,” I thought.

Creamers

Little kids are wild! Just at their table, drinking the milkers and creamers out of the caddy, like the most uncouth little bastards.

“Bland” omelette

A customer called his omelette “bland”.

Last time I checked, eggs had no taste.

There’s the door!

Interior design by table 83

An unruly group of 20 stole a table from my section to add to their kid’s table. They did not need my table.

My boss, a true thug, went up to them and said, “This table belongs to another server,” and dragged my table back to my section.

Our restaurant is so busy they sat my table right away. If you want to interior decorate, go home.

$1.00 tip

$1.00 on a $165 bill is outrageous.

They ordered 3 milkshakes: one vanilla, one chocolate, and one strawberry, of course.

This is why places like McDonald’s exist.

Public Service Announcement

If you can’t afford to tip your server, go to McDonald’s!

BLT

A server rang in a BLT with no bacon.

“So it’s just an LT!” The kitchen fired back.

🔥

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Promo menu

We’re doing a new promotion at work and the kitchen doesn’t like the new platters. “How about a go-fuck-yourself platter?” I overhear them say.

Fake 15

“The 15 is now an 8!” My manager alerted the kitchen.

“So it’s a fake 15!” The kitchen replied.

Be better

What the kitchen always says: “Don’t be sorry. Be better.”

Serving is about flow. With food running interludes.

🥞

A woman ordered a “well-done, fluffy pancake.”

I didn’t modify her order to include her foolish “well-done” request.

I served her one regular pancake. It comes fluffy.

Overheard at work:

“The children coloured swastikas on their colouring pages!”

🍳

I asked this customer how he wanted his eggs.

“Side by side,” he said, laughing.

His wife glared at him. “You don’t have to laugh,” she said to me.

New hire

We got a new kid. His one job was to clean tables. He clearly had never worked anywhere else, he was like 16. He took the tip belonging to the server off of every table he cleaned. He must of thought, “This is a pretty lucrative spot, they left me $15 for cleaning this table!”

My boss was quick to fire him.

Annoying

“Well-done toast but not burnt.”

I ended up bringing her 3 sets of toasts. The first was too burnt. The second was too burnt. The third was regular toast.

Look, lady, we don’t have a setting on our toaster for that! Sorry!

8 hour meeting

A customer asked my boss if they could rent out a section of our restaurant for 8 hours.

This sounds like camping.

She said, “No!”

Overheard at work:

“How many more years for my salad?” A server asked the kitchen.

5 cops in a booth

Today 5 cops tried to shove into a booth. One of them grabbed a chair from my section to set up at the end of their booth.

“Ah ah ah,” I said, “this is a hallway in which servers are carrying large trays of food. We cannot put this chair here,” I explained. “If you go back to the lobby, the hostess will re-seat you.”

They said they would squish into the booth then did so.

Ha! My chair. Finally, I'm bossing the cops around.

Spawning

I appeared in the pantry to collect my food from seemingly out of nowhere and the kitchen said I spawned there.

🥞

Including putting pancakes on each other’s heads and pretending to flip each other’s trays, we have a lot of fun at work. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“Coming out!” I called my position from around the corner. 

“You’re coming out?” My coworker asked. “I came out a long time ago!”

Dismissal

I got into work. I was there for five minutes, in the dish pit, and the cook, who isn’t my boss, said, “After you finish that up, you can go home now.”

The wall

My coworker bumped into the wall today.

“Watch out, there’s a wall there,” my other coworker said.

Delayed broccoli 🥦

We have “delayed pancakes” in our restaurant. 

One day, the cook pushed a bowl of broccoli towards me in the pass. “Delayed broccoli!” He shouted out.

There was no such order.

The Party Room 🎈

We have a section in my restaurant called “The Party Room”.

“You’re alone in The Party Room,” my manager told me, “just as you are alone in life!”

Virgin mimosas

There is no such thing as a “virgin mimosa”, it’s just orange juice at that point.

Overzealous customers

I’ve heard it all, but this is especially tiring: “Can I do dishes instead of pay my bill?” 

“NO!” I wish I could say. I just laugh.

Family Day

Nearing the end of a busy Family Day, a cook was mad, shouting out, “Go home and be with your families!”

Supports are bussers, hosts, and cashiers. This support asked me how much I sold on my serving shift. I told him. “I’m going to need you to start selling more or I’m not going to be able to give you these serving shifts,” he joked, pretending he was my boss.

Sarcasm

“Are you here to work?” I asked my kitchen manager.

“No, I’m here for moral support,” he replied.

Bon appetite!

Yesterday, our expo (my coworker) ran my food. I went up to him, “Hey! Did you say bon appetite to my table after you dropped off my food?” I hounded him.

You’re fired!

13 years ago, I got fired from Broadway. 

The boss who fired me works at my restaurant now.

I want to ask if I can fire him.

Breaking glass in ice

Today I broke glass in the ice well. I had to drain it and refill it. “I could have went to school,” I said to my coworker. “There are lots of schools in Ottawa. There’s Carleton, Ottawa U,” I went on.

It reminded me of a time I was standing at the back of the restaurant with my kitchen manager while all hell was breaking loose: children jumping up and down on creamers, people hailing their waitress down. “I chose this,” he said.

Just like today. This is what I chose.

Menu

When people can’t figure out how to fold up the menu, I grab it and say, “I’ll make the hostess do it!”

Aggressive/assertive

They called me aggressive at work like, 3 times.

“I’m assertive!” I explained loudly.

“Okay, okay,” my cook replied.

Canadian traffic jam

3 people run into each other in the hallway at work.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” they all say.

“Canadian traffic jam!” My coworker exclaims.

The cookie

Last week, a cookie was sitting on a plate on the counter for like, half an hour. I asked my boss if I could eat it. She said yes. I promptly scarfed it down.

“Where’s my birthday cookie?” My coworker said.

✨ 

Yesterday, she took out another birthday cookie. “Vicki,” she said pointedly, “Do not eat this cookie.” 🍪

On tipping:

Did you know servers have to tip out the kitchen staff and in some cases, the support staff or the bartender? This is why leaving $0.00 as a tip is extremely uncouth.

Angry:30

12:30 pm, the busiest time in the restaurant. My chef calls it “Angry:30”.

What is this, a cafeteria?

On my last hostess shift, these people asked to sit at a table, order food because they’re hungry and move to a booth when it becomes available.

I said NO!

I immediately ran to my boss to ask if I did the right thing.

She said no, too. 😎 

A four-year-old toddled into the kitchen. 

“Are you here to work?” My manager barked at him.

Vacation pay

I am never going on vacation again. Next time, I’m taking my vacation pay and not going on vacation.

Onion saleswoman 🧅

My friend called me an “onion saleswoman.”

Donkey

The cook said, “I used to work with these Arabic ladies, they called me a donkey in Arabic. They said it meant I was strong!”

The other cook looked at him. “I’m Arabic,” she said, “And when someone calls you donkey in Arabic, it means you’re dumb as fuck!”

86 plates

In the business, when product runs out, it’s called “86.”

The dishwasher dropped a stack of plates on the floor and they all shattered.

“86 plates!” I yelled out.

Overheard at work:

“I can’t take this anymore. I’m going to dry storage.”

Tim Horton’s

My friend went to Tim Horton’s and asked for mustard on his sandwich. “The closest thing we have to mustard is nothing!” The worker told him.

School party

I served 21 8-year-olds today. They were truly little darlings but as I was putting their apple and orange juices on the table, one of them said, “I ordered a beer!”

Extreme camping

I got into work at 7 am, when I realized 55, a young man, was asleep in his booth. “55’s passed out?” I asked the server in that section. 

“Yeah, he wakes up occasionally to check his phone,” she said nonchalantly. It didn’t phase her one bit. I felt like this was taking camping to a new extreme. 

Angry cook

I saw the overnight cook’s name on the schedule. It was my old boss. I suspected it was, at least. So I asked my coworker, “is the overnight cook an old white man?”

“Yes,” she said.

“Is he angry?” 

“Yes,” she said.

“Oh my god, it’s my old boss,” I said. 

No mod Monday

The kitchen told me it was “no mod Monday” today. I said, “yeah, sure, like one bill Sunday.”

This guy in the kitchen went on vacation and never came back. 

Black History Month

The cook said to a server, “It’s Black History Month, what did you get me?”

Wine bottle

Yesterday, a server was trying to uncork a wine bottle. Another server was trying to help her. A third server swooped in to help. “Hey! How many servers does it take to uncork a wine bottle, eh guys?” I joked. They didn’t think it was funny. 

Dedication

A fellow support carved her name into a tray. This is what I call dedication. 

Disarmed

I dressed up as a cop for Halloween this year. I had a water gun in a pistol holder and this old lady yelled at me, “Come here,” and when I came towards her she insisted I get closer. “I have something to tell you,” she said. 

I got even closer. She grabbed my gun, turned it on me, and said, “Never trust an old lady!”

Kids

“Kids these days,” the cook said despairingly. So I looked at my coworker, I rolled my eyes and said, “adults these days.” 

Most annoying order of the day award

No powdered sugar, sub this, sub that, hot water and lemon. Delayed pancakes. Well done pancakes. Double-toasted, dry toast. 

Civilians don’t know I have to manually type every modification in. 

Halloween 🎃👻🦇

4 years ago I was working for a boss whom I did not like and who did not like me. On Halloween, I said to him, “I see you dressed up as an evil boss today.” He did not like that one. He sent me home early. 

Reasons to buy a muffin:

The other day when I tried to upsell a muffin, the lady said, “why?”

I said, “for a treat for later, give it as a gift to someone, because they’re delicious.”

I felt like I was playing $100,000 Pyramid.

Picky McChoosers

I call people who choose where they want to sit “picky McChoosers” now.

Dish island getaway 🏖️

The last dishwasher we had didn’t like to get wet. He even put up a sign that said “do not splash the dishwasher.” It’s a dish pit, not a dish island getaway. 

“People in restaurants do crazy things,” my friend said.

“Yeah,” I said, “Like work there!”

Locked in the shed

I got into work and a cook asked me if I locked the garbage shed when I left work the other day. I said no, which was the truth, I didn’t think I locked it. Turns out, a coworker got locked in the shed yesterday and didn’t come back to work for an hour. After thinking about it, I think I did lock the shed. Oops!

Talking shit

I was in the middle of fetching three coffees and three waters for a table when a support staff came up to me and said, “Your table wants…” I cut them off.

I said, “Three coffees and three waters? Yeah, I know. They’re just gonna have to wait, aren’t they?”

“Aww,” my manager said, “She’s talking shit about her tables. You’re all grown up!”

What do you call someone who orders water at the restaurant?

Broke.

Mind-blowing entitlement

There was a baby. A horrific baby. It was throwing food on the ground. It wasn’t even eating anything. It was just throwing chunks of eggs on the ground.

My boss, god bless her, went to the table with a broom and just started sweeping as they were eating and their baby was destroying the place.

Please tip accordingly.

Messy and cheap, my favourite combination.

Playing with food

One of our cooks has a puffy afro. He put an egg on his head and called it a nest.

What customers say when they can’t figure out the debit machine:

Let me guess: "Every debit machine is different"?

No. They're all the same.

Open menu count

“How many open menus?” The cook asks.

“Nine,” my boss reports.

“In German or in English?” The cook says.

“English!”

“Fuck!” The cooks say.

Support staff

I gave myself a promotion today. There is no such role as ‘lead support’, but there is now because I have filled the position. 

Milkshake

Someone looked me dead in the eye and told me their milkshake was too creamy.

At this point, I don’t even know. 

Swine

Two Muslim people came into our diner yesterday, ordered burgers with “no swine” on them.

Neck tattoo

An old man asked what my neck tattoo said. 

“Heist,” I told him.

“So you’re a thief!” He replied.

I didn’t say anything. I looked at him. He looked at me. He backed away slowly and left.

Poor leadership

My coworker blamed “poor leadership” for me accidentally seating his section after it had closed.

86 my sanity

I’m hustling muffins again. A lady asked me if I make commission on the muffins. “Yes,” I said.

Campers

Don't you have anything better to do with your day?

Terry Fox

I broke my foot but I work, limping. So my coworker started calling me Terry Fox. 

Debit

A customer was fumbling with the debit machine. 

“I remember my first debit machine,” his friend said.

On people who don’t tip:

How cheap can one be? It’s a service that was provided to you and you tip people who provide services to you, do you not know how it works?

Frisked at work

I scooped some change off a table to give to the server in that section and he said, “Thanks, where’s the rest of it?” And frisked me!

Apple pie 🥧

My coworker broke into song in the kitchen yesterday, singing, “Would you like an apple pie with that?” Which I immediately recognized and we both sung out the next part together, “Ding, fries are done! Ding, fries are done!”

Civilized tables

Civilized tables finish their beverages, eat all their food, don’t make a mess and tip well. 

Vs. The uncouth, who let their children put their sticky hands all over my clean display case.

Water

There’s a special place in hell for those who order water and don’t drink any of it.

Nate’s Deli

Today some anti-abortionists were protesting on St. Patrick and it reminded me of a time when I was working at Nate’s Deli. 

I was on my way to work when I spotted an anti-abortionist protesting so I stole some of their signs that were unattended. They chased me. I get to Nate’s, go through the back door, and see a bunch of cops at the front door.

I told all my coworkers, “they’re here for me!” 

Turns out they were there to eat breakfast.

Funny customer

I’m a hostess now. 

“For four?” I asked the guy at the door. 

He said, “Yeah. Or for three. I could leave.”

Overheard at work:

“Time sure flies when you’re having a horrible time.”

Someone demanded they get their app for free because there was a fly in the restaurant. Now I’ve heard it all.