Sin & Redemption

In Toronto, when I trained, I was nicknamed Hitler. Black Hitler is funnier though.

Main stage

“Vicki to the main stage!” My kitchen calls out when my food is ready.

Kitchen

"I don't care what they say about you, I like you.” My kitchen jokes.

Ex-coworker

One time this girl asked me to TAKE AN ORDER for her. I was like, “Bitch, you had one job,”

Give it up for BOH

The kitchen undoubtedly works harder than the servers. The temperature on the line is hot. We get to waltz around in the dining room. This is something that doesn’t go unrecognized by me. The kitchen is something most people would never be able to handle.

Big girl job

A co-worker of mine went to university and is pursuing a career elsewhere so I asked her how the big girl job is coming along.

"Can we get that booth?"

Funny hostess

The hostess did an impression of the customers today.

“Can we get a booth? Can we get a booth?” 

I died.

Request for new server

I approach table 25. I ask if I can bring them orange juice, coffee, something to drink. A kid in seat 2, around my age, immediately says, "I would like a new server."

I was taken aback. I thought I looked good that day. I had done my make-up. I wanted to say, "I'd like a new customer but you can't always get what you want,"

Instead we just got him a new server.

"Scrambled medium"

My number one pet peeve of waitressing is not getting the eggs right. Sometimes, there's a miscommunication.

For example, I served a woman sitting alone at table 40. I repeated "over-medium" eggs to her like, 3 separate times, but when I served her breakfast, she said, "There must have been a miscommunication. I wanted scrambled medium eggs,"

First of all, scrambled medium is not an egg modification. I got her two scrambled eggs, but the exchange upset me. I like my customers to eat and be merry, not have the wrong style eggs.

Recycling

This woman refused to put her receipt in the garbage and demanded a paper recycling. Lady, you're in a diner, not a recycling plant.

Pepper grinder

I had to apologize to someone twice because we didn't have freshly ground black pepper. Seat 1, 55, said, "It's what basic restaurants have," to me, and I was gonna be like, "I guess we're not a basic restaurant then," but instead I just apologized again.

Cooks making fun of customers

Sometimes I overhear our cooks making fun of customers. Here’s a skit they do:

Two 80-year-old women are deciding upon breakfast.

"Mildred, wanna go out for breakfast?"

"Okay, Betty, but I can't eat a whole breakfast by myself,"

"Maybe we can split a breakfast?"

"It's awfully expensive..."

"No, no, they have a 55 breakfast for $10 and we can split it! Do you think you can eat half a fucking egg?"

"I turned 55 in 1983 so I think I qualify!"

"Okay, let's go!"

"Maybe we can get half a scrambled egg and half a sunny side up egg."

At the table:

"We will take half pancakes and half toast,"

The missing toast incident

Seat 1 at 83 orders toast, takes his toast off the plate and then calls me over to ask me where his toast is. I just stare at the toast. He realizes fast enough and I leave the table. It slays me, though.

Beauty and The Beast

We were standing in the kitchen and the cook goes to a server, “Hey, wanna play Beauty and The Beast? I’m Beauty!” He screamed without missing a beat.

Freshly squeezed

You'd be surprised how many times I hear, "Is your orange juice freshly squeezed?"

Next time, I'm going to say: "Yes. Jason squeezes it in the morning."

Adventures in upselling gravy

“Would you like to add a gravy on the side for your fry?” I typically add at the end of any French fry sale.

“How much for the gravy?” An old man asked me.

“$1.99, sir,” I said.

“I can’t afford that!” He replied, laughing loudly.

“Sir, nothing about that is funny,” I thought.

Creamers

Little kids are wild! Just at their table, drinking the milkers and creamers out of the caddy, like the most uncouth little bastards.

“Bland” omelette

A customer called his omelette “bland”.

Last time I checked, eggs had no taste.

There’s the door!

Interior design by table 83

An unruly group of 20 stole a table from my section to add to their kid’s table. They did not need my table.

My boss, a true thug, went up to them and said, “This table belongs to another server,” and dragged my table back to my section.

Our restaurant is so busy they sat my table right away. If you want to interior decorate, go home.

$1.00 tip

$1.00 on a $165 bill is outrageous.

They ordered 3 milkshakes: one vanilla, one chocolate, and one strawberry, of course.

This is why places like McDonald’s exist.

Public Service Announcement

If you can’t afford to tip your server, go to McDonald’s!

BLT

A server rang in a BLT with no bacon.

“So it’s just an LT!” The kitchen fired back.

🔥

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Promo menu

We’re doing a new promotion at work and the kitchen doesn’t like the new platters. “How about a go-fuck-yourself platter?” I overhear them say.

Fake 15

“The 15 is now an 8!” My manager alerted the kitchen.

“So it’s a fake 15!” The kitchen replied.

Be better

What the kitchen always says: “Don’t be sorry. Be better.”

Serving is about flow. With food running interludes.

🥞

A woman ordered a “well-done, fluffy pancake.”

I didn’t modify her order to include her foolish “well-done” request.

I served her one regular pancake. It comes fluffy.

Overheard at work:

“The children coloured swastikas on their colouring pages!”

🍳

I asked this customer how he wanted his eggs.

“Side by side,” he said, laughing.

His wife glared at him. “You don’t have to laugh,” She said to me.

New hire

We got a new kid. His one job was to clean tables. He clearly had never worked anywhere else, he was like 16. He took the tip belonging to the server off of every table he cleaned. He must of thought, “This is a pretty lucrative spot, they left me $15 for cleaning this table!”

My boss was quick to fire him.

Annoying

“Well-done toast but not burnt.”

I ended up bringing her 3 sets of toasts. The first was too burnt. The second was too burnt. The third was regular toast.

Look, lady, we don’t have a setting on our toaster for that! Sorry!

8 hour meeting

A customer asked my boss if they could rent out a section of our restaurant for 8 hours.

This sounds like camping.

She said, “No!”

Overheard at work:

“How many more years for my salad?” A server asked the kitchen.

5 cops in a booth

Today 5 cops tried to shove into a booth. One of them grabbed a chair from my section to set up at the end of their booth.

“Ah ah ah,” I said, “This is a hallway in which servers are carrying large trays of food. We cannot put this chair here,” I explained. “If you go back to the lobby, the hostess will re-seat you.”

They said they would squish into the booth then did so.

Ha! My chair. Finally, I'm bossing the cops around.

Spawning

I appeared in the pantry to collect my food from seemingly out of nowhere and the kitchen said I spawned there.

🥞

Including putting pancakes on each other’s heads and pretending to flip each other’s trays, we have a lot of fun at work. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“Coming out!” I called my position from around the corner. 

“You’re coming out?” My gay coworker asked. “I came out a long time ago!”

Dismissal

I got into work. I was there for five minutes, in the dish pit, and the cook, who isn’t my boss, said, “After you finish that up, you can go home now.”

The wall

My co-worker bumped into the wall today.

“Watch out, there’s a wall there,” my other co-worker said.

Delayed broccoli 🥦

We have “delayed pancakes” in our restaurant. 

One day, the cook pushed a bowl of broccoli towards me in the pass. “Delayed broccoli!” He shouted out.

There was no such order.

The Party Room 🎈

We have a section in my restaurant called “The Party Room”.

“You’re alone in The Party Room,” my manager told me, “Just as you are alone in life!”

Virgin mimosas

There is no such thing as a “virgin mimosa”, it’s just orange juice at that point.

Overzealous customers

I’ve heard it all, but this is especially tiring: “Can I do dishes instead of pay my bill?” 

“NO!” I wish I could say. I just laugh.

Family Day

Nearing the end of a busy Family Day, a cook was mad, shouting out, “Go home and be with your families!”

Funny support

Supports are bussers, hosts, and cashiers. This support asked me how much I sold on my serving shift. I told him. “I’m going to need you to start selling more or I’m not going to be able to give you these serving shifts,” He joked, pretending he was my boss.

Sarcasm

“Are you here to work?” I asked my kitchen manager.

“No, I’m here for moral support,” he replied.

Bon appetite!

Yesterday, our expo (my coworker) ran my food. I went up to him, “Hey! Did you say bon appetite to my table after you dropped off my food?” I hounded him.

You’re fired!

13 years ago, I got fired from Broadway. 

The boss who fired me works at my restaurant now.

I want to ask if I can fire him.

Breaking glass in ice

Today I broke glass in the ice well. I had to drain it and refill it. “I could have went to school,” I said to my coworker. “There are lots of schools in Ottawa. There’s Carleton, Ottawa U,” I went on.

It reminded me of a time I was standing at the back of the restaurant with my kitchen manager while all hell was breaking loose: children jumping up and down on creamers, people hailing their waitress down. “I chose this,” he said.

Just like today. This is what I chose.