Water

4 waters. 2 hot waters, 2 cold waters. A nightmare of a drink order. They even asked for more waters at the end of the meal but didn’t specify if it was hot or cold water so I brought cold and it turns out they wanted more hot water but honestly I clocked out and went home.

DSW

I was at DSW buying shoes for work. The cashier tried to upsell me 3 times on the waterproofing spray. "No," I said, 3 times. I told the kid where I worked at the very end of the transaction and he said, "My parents met at your restaurant."

I wanted to be like, "That's it, give me the spray!"

Table 31

Shall I see you in the street, my word, I am beating you up.

Double leaning jowlers

Has anyone heard of the game Pass The Pigs? It’s this game where you roll two mini vinyl pigs like dice. You get points if you roll something good.

I can’t help but be reminded of the double leaning jowler when I see two of my colleagues leaning against the counter instead of working.

What do I look like, a calendar?

My colleague asked me what the date was today. I wanted to say, “I told you what the date was yesterday.”

Work fight

Two of my coworkers got into a fight today.
“Let’s take this outside.” One of them suggested.

“You guys!” I interrupted. “You are creating a hostile work environment.” 

I also told 3 people colouring to get back to work today. All in a day’s work!

Accident

Colossal accident at work. Dishes smashed everywhere. Easily $100 in damage. Shortly after, I asked the dishwasher, “How’s it going?” He said, “Great! I’ve got less dishes.”

Fired!

My boss had an appointment and left a server in charge. This server was quick to fire another server. The firing will not be honoured, however.

Gluten-free

The reason I knew she was ignorant was because she asked if there was flour in the potato pancakes. "Yes," I told her. I knew the answer to that one.

"Is it the cubed potatoes which have gluten?" She asked.

"Yes." I said. She went with the other, non-gluten potatoes.

So I went ahead and assumed she wanted gluten-free bread with that, because it comes with toast. Yes, but she wanted to read the ingredients off the bread packaging first.

I ran to my boss.

"She wants to know what the ingredients are in the gluten-free bread," I hastily explained to my boss.

My boss said she can't touch our food. I took a photo of the ingredients using my cell phone and showed it to her at the table.

After her inspection of the photo, she said, "Yes, I will take the gluten-free toast."

Have You Seen My Hormones? - Anne Taintor

Table 71:

“Can I interest you in real maple syrup?” I tried for the upsell.

“No, I’ll take the crappy syrup, please,” the girl with blue hair happily replied.

Gary, Sascha

We have a cook who calls out “Gary,” “Sascha,” when food is up. Although we do not have a Gary nor a Sascha who works at our store.

Low vision

This man holding a giant magnifying glass asked me to read him the menu after asking for a Heineken to drink.

“Sir, I don’t have time to read the menu to you,” I said. 

“Well if your little job is so important then go do it.” He said. My jaw dropped. I got mad. I left the table. I went to 22 to quality check them instead. Five seconds later, I went back to his table. “Do you still want your Heineken?” I asked. He did. 

“I’ll take the pancakes with bacon,” he ordered. Yes sir! We became fast friends in the end. I can only assume he tipped me well.

A love story between a girl and bleach. 

Bermuda Triangle

Table 41. 3 seats: 2 adults, 1 child. I served them beverages, took their order and brought condiments to their table.

The next thing I knew, they disappeared.

“Where did 41 go!?” I asked the hostess. She didn’t know. I found them later, at booth 55.

When I brought their food out, I faked my surprise, “Oh! You’ve moved!” They moved themselves. Very uncouth.

Otolaryngologist

My colleague studying to become an otolaryngologist asked my kitchen how much they think otolaryngologists make. My kitchen yelled back, "PANCAKES!" though.

Poached medium

“You know where you can get two poached medium eggs? AT HOME.” The cook jokes.

My tray jack:

Jack of all trays!

Hugging every co-worker goodbye

I told the new guy, “The rule here is, when you leave, you have to hug every one of your co-workers goodbye.” 

When I left, he yelled, “Where’s my hug!?”

Tina later told me, “The new guy said you wanted to hug him.”

Mimosa with OJ on the side

A girl my age orders a "mimosa with the orange juice on the side." Not knowing what the fuck that meant, I bring her an orange juice and a mimosa.

"No," She says, "I want you to separate them." My word, customers are abusive. I had to separate them. 😭

Non-verbal

I should preface what I'm about to say with that I am a single, childfree woman who will remain childfree for the entirety of my life. 

I consider every child I serve, unless they exuberantly tell me if they want apple or orange juice, to be non-verbal.

I don't think ordering at a restaurant is a great time to teach your kid to talk. It's a simple choice: apple juice or orange. I hate it when I'm fetching my beverage order and the parent asks the kid what they want to drink and the kid says nothing.

I have to stand there, encouraging the kid to answer my question, as if I'm a freakin' teacher or something.

Look, lady, you wanna teach your kids to talk? Do it on your own time. Thank you!

Rude

“Write that down,” A customer told me upon taking his order.

I wanted to have a mental breakdown.

“I am writing that down, sir!” I said instead of having aforementioned breakdown. 

Uncut toast 🍞

To mod the toast order is insane. I even think dry toast is insane. I even think asking for peanut butter is too much. The toast comes with butter. The buttered toast is delicious. EAT THE TOAST!

5

My boss said an employee of hers told her that their grandfather had died five separate times.

“I know you ain’t saying that,” The kitchen strikes again.

Least favourite order

Easily: “Well-done toast.” Like fuck, just eat the toast. It’s cooked bread. Why are you wasting everyone’s time?

Onion rings

Bitch orders onion rings “well-done”. I did not mod it for 2 reasons: to not piss off my cooks and because that is a stupid order. Onion ring came out well-done in the end, ha. Dumb bitch.