What do you call someone who orders water at the restaurant?

Broke.

Mind-blowing entitlement

There was a baby. A horrific baby. It was throwing food on the ground. It wasn’t even eating anything. It was just throwing chunks of eggs on the ground.

My boss, god bless her, went to the table with a broom and just started sweeping as they were eating and their baby was destroying the place.

Please tip accordingly.

Messy and cheap, my favourite combination.

Playing with food

One of our cooks has a puffy afro. He put an egg on his head and called it a nest.

What customers say when they can’t figure out the debit machine:

Let me guess: "Every debit machine is different"?

No. They're all the same.

Open menu count

“How many open menus?” The cook asks.

“Nine,” my boss reports.

“In German or in English?” The cook says.

“English!”

“Fuck!” The cooks say.

Support staff

I gave myself a promotion today. There is no such role as ‘lead support’, but there is now because I have filled the position. 

Milkshake

Someone looked me dead in the eye and told me their milkshake was too creamy.

At this point, I don’t even know. 

Swine

Two Muslim people came into our diner yesterday, ordered burgers with “no swine” on them.

Neck tattoo

An old man asked what my neck tattoo said. 

“Heist,” I told him.

“So you’re a thief!” He replied.

I didn’t say anything. I looked at him. He looked at me. He backed away slowly and left.

Poor leadership

My coworker blamed “poor leadership” for me accidentally seating his section after it had closed.

86 my sanity

I’m hustling muffins again. A lady asked me if I make commission on the muffins. “Yes,” I said.

Campers

Don't you have anything better to do with your day?

Terry Fox

I broke my foot but I work, limping. So my co-worker started calling me Terry Fox. 

Debit

A customer was fumbling with the debit machine. 

“I remember my first debit machine,” His friend said.

On people who don’t tip:

How cheap can one be? It’s a service that was provided to you and you tip people who provide services to you, do you not know how it works?

Apple pie 🥧

My coworker broke into song in the kitchen yesterday, singing, “Would you like an apple pie with that?” Which I immediately recognized and we both sung out the next part together, “Ding, fries are done! Ding, fries are done!”

Civilized tables

Civilized tables finish their beverages, eat all their food, don’t make a mess and tip well. 

Vs. The uncouth, who let their children put their sticky hands all over my clean display case.

Water

There’s a special place in hell for those who order water and don’t drink any of it.

Nate’s Deli

Today some anti-abortionists were protesting on St. Patrick and it reminded me of a time when I was working at Nate’s Deli. 

I was on my way to work when I spotted an anti-abortionist protesting so I stole some of their signs that were unattended. They chased me. I get to Nate’s, go through the back door, and see a bunch of cops at the front door.

I told all my coworkers, “They’re here for me!” 

Turns out they were there to eat breakfast.

Funny customer

I’m a hostess now. 

“For four?” I asked the guy at the door. 

He said, “Yeah. Or for three. I could leave.”

Overheard at work:

“Time sure flies when you’re having a horrible time.”

Someone demanded they get their app for free because there was a fly in the restaurant. Now I’ve heard it all.

The amount of people who can’t seamlessly use a debit machine concerns me.

Front-line workers

Right when you think you’re going to lose it, someone comes to cover your break.

You thank with your money not your words.

New job

I asked a customer how their day was. They said, “Couldn’t be any worse,” so I stopped asking customers how their day was.

We got an iced cappuccino machine. A customer called it a “bootleg ice cap”. My boss didn’t like that one.

I said “Wallahi” to my boss today and he said, “Don’t ‘wallahi’ me!”

I said “What’s up dog?” To a customer and I got in trouble.

Pro tip: the bag I’m putting your muffin into will double as something you can huff into later at your desk.

When two customers approach my till arguing over who will pay the tab, I hold up the debit machine and say: “Fight to the death!”

Overheard at work:

She calls mopping wet sweeping.

Sticky Pudding Toffee Cake Girl

Every week at approximately after lunchtime, the Sticky Pudding Toffee Cake Girl appears at my cash, asking for a bag. She fills this bag with Sticky Pudding Toffee Cake. She spends sometimes $30 on this stuff. Another customer once asked what it was. I told her. I said it was good. What does it taste like, she asked. I didn’t know. But I knew it must be good.

To anyone I’ve ever sold a muffin to:

I just picture you at your desk, crying, eating your muffin.

Overheard at work:

“You’re cut,”

“Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Spinach

One time I worked at a place where we had this huge, industrial-sized fan at the front door during the summer. For reasons unbeknownst to me, this lady Pat from a pub next door walks through our doors with a plate of spinach.

Peter goes, "Watch, the spinach is going to fly all over the place when she walks by that fan,"

And it did and Pat was shocked and Peter and I died laughing.

Fighting with co-workers in front of customers

Sarah and I got into a fight at the door, both standing there with menus in our arms, arguing over which section to seat a party in.
"This way," she said.
"No, this way," I said.
"No, this way,"
"No, this way!"
I gave up. But yeah.

Broadway: Innes & Cyrville

I used to work at a bar. This lady who had a baby strapped to her back was drinking til last call and at like 2am, the cops ended up coming to break up a fight or something and she asked me to smuggle her out the kitchen. I did. I work for the people.

Dunn's:

We have walls that roll up so it's like open on the sidewalk basically but there are also huge barriers like this tall, half-wall thing. These kids younger than me got 1 poutine to share and didn't tip me and then camped in my booth so I was pissed but then this robber guy with a shaved head runs up, reaches over the gates and jacks the kid's backpack.
The kid cried out, "My backpack!" And this other kid, not my table, jumps up and chases the thief down the street but comes back later, empty-handed. That's what you get when you don't tip. I laughed.

17 hour shift

On Nuit Blanche:

"IF YOU WANT WATER, GO TO THE WATER STORE!" Exclaims my bartender Thomas.

People who hide their PIN

You do realize that I would have to attack you on the street to steal your debit card in order to rob you in knowing your PIN, right? I would have to leave work at the moment you leave, chase you down in broad daylight, attack you and go through your stuff to find your debit card.

And I thought I was paranoid.

Overheard at work:

"Every day a gazelle has to outrun the fastest lion just to stay alive."

People who choose where they want to sit

What is this, a fucking cafeteria? I'm sorry, I didn't realize your experience was going to be different based on whether you get to sit at the table you chose or not.
To be honest, I can kind of see your point. If I'm paying $20 for a club sandwich, I'd want the window seat, too, but really we need a sign that says "Wait To Be Seated".

You can pour bleach on almost anything. But you can't pour bleach on a lie to yourself.

"Customer Education"

• Ten percenters
• Hot water and lemon drinkers 
• They say "bill" when they mean "bills"
• They don't know what they want even though I asked if I could take their order and they said yes 1 second ago

"May I refresh your beverage?"

In my ten years of serving, I've never had someone insist that I take his order a certain way. This is the incident that inspired this blog.

So this older man with his friend, you know, probably not trying to be a douche, insists that I take his order by saying, "May I refresh your beverage?" And when I completely forget and ask in my own words, he gives me a look, and in a jovial manner, insists I say his line.

He tells me, I kid you not, something about his dead mother and how she always said that. What I really wanted to say was: "Which line should I jump in front of: Bloor-Danforth or Yonge-University?" But instead I just said, "May I refresh your beverage?"

So welcome to Bleach Queen.